James Haslett, aged 11 months, of Cheetham Hill, Manchester, has been named sole-trader of the year North West (tradesman, other semi-skilled), despite being under investigation for trading standards offences.

Haslett, a washing machine repairman, was confirmed on Tuesday night as the tradesman the housewives of the North West would call first in an emergency and most looked forward to seeing again.

The award is however only half the picture, for Haslett was also nominated in another poll as the tradesman most likely to fleece you. 

‘By the time he left it was me that got rinsed, not my nightie,’ claims Christine Handle, a twenty-four year old mother of three ‘uns.

‘He’s been here four times, and each time he’s found something extra to charge me for,’ she yesterday. ‘When I had him out the first time the washing machine was still in guarantee, but he said I must have duveted it and burnt the motor. Luckily for me he said he had a re-conned he could sell me cash and we could charge the labour on the insurance. It was only after he drove off that I thought he’d probably diddled me.’

Christine will never know the truth as Haslett removed the ‘damaged’ motor to his van. 

Despite these doubts, Christine looks forward to Haslett's visits.

 'He's lovely, an absolute pleasure to have in the house. I love my kids, but little Jim is the most lovely baby there will ever be. He’s absolutely beautiful, his face is all smiles and French curves, and he’s so delicate with my three. So graceful when he’s around them, playing and laughing all the while. Some boys don’t know they’re strong, and can be a little clumsy round other kids. But James approaches them as you’d approach your granny, really tenderly. And shares his toys, which you don’t often see.’

Christine went on to describe how the last time she saw Haslett he had played with her kids all day. ‘It was really lovely, they made camps with the sofas while I got the grass cut. Then he fleeced me out of a fifty saying I’d fluffed-up the back-panel, causing the water-pressure to super-reverse and shoot feathers through the gills.’

Regardless of these dubious practices, Christine would certainly call on Haslett again.

 ‘Just to see his sunbeam-face through the letterbox makes me jolly all day.’

 And what advice would Christine give anyone thinking of giving Haslett a call?

'Do', she said. 'He's lovely. Just remember, when he says 'dubber-dee' he means cup of tea, and 'bong eggy-mogel-call we-bear' is beyond economical repair.'

The Hong Kong comedy underworld was reeling last night with the news the Jackie Chan has bought a gun.

Mr Fat Man Chang, gang leader, reacted to the news by saying it was a bad day for the comedy underworld.

'It's no fun if Jackie's got a gun. They'll be no more falling out of buildings grabbing washing lines to break our fall. No more comedy crime chases through the back streets of Hong Kong. The fun's gone now. We'll have to make a real effort to kill him.'

Chan rejected claims that he has ruined comedy crime capering by employing a shooter.

'I've spent my whole life with monks up mountains learning to become the best comedy crime fighter in the land. I feel all that time's been wasted. Now I know two moves: safety off, squeeze trigger. If comedy crime lords don't like it, tough. They should try jumping on a bike with no saddle. From now on I'm saving my energy. I'm not getting any younger.'

Chan bought the gun after watching a Indianna Jones and The Temple Of Doom on TV. 'I wish I saw it when it came out. Man that would have saved me a lot of effort.'