Imperial Storm Trooper realises those WERE the droids he was looking for
TH-EX-14, an Imperial Storm Trooper on the desert world of Tatooine, today spoke of his dismay as he realised that the droids he let go early on in Star Wars were the droids he was looking for, despite what their human companions said.
The droids, an old R2 unit and an uptight Protocol droid sporting a restraining bolt, contained vital information about the newly commissioned Death Star. The Death Star was blown to pieces after the information was used by the Rebel Alliance to spot a fundamental weakness in the space station's design.
'I feel really foolish now', he said yesterday, explaining that he felt personally responsible for the destruction of the Death Star. 'It's like that feeling you get when you click 'Transmit Message: All Stations' instead of just replying to the person who sent you the message. When I realised what I'd done, I just felt like, you know... doh!'
Dr Jekyll has halted his one man clinical trial, stating the foaming, steaming potion he was testing had unexpected side-effects. Speaking from his home yesterday the doctor said the trial was halted as 'it was turning me into a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character: namely, Hyde.'
A judge on last year's Man-Booker prize, speaking anonymously, has revealed that time constraints forced him to judge each book on the 'aesthetic merits of the artwork on the dust jacket.'
'Take Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. Had I had the time to read it properly, it would never have got on the shortlist as it's boring. It's just a woman banging on about her posh school and her posh friends and blah blah blah! Nothing happens. On the other hand, when I first saw the pastel green and yellow cover I thought, ooh, that's lovely.'
The prize eventually went to The Sea by John Banville.
'I didn’t really get this one at all, to be honest. Some professor chappy goes to a seaside town where he went once before as a kid, and then he sits on a bench or something, and he keeps drifting off. Great. Call that a story, John? You should try watching 24 or Lost. Now that’s a story.'
The judge did however think that The Sea was, in the end, a worthy winner.
'The front cover's got this amazing sunset and these two kids jumping about on a pebble beach. It’s beautiful. And it’s not a painting either, it’s a photo, so they must have actually gone out and done it for real. Plus, the letters on the front kind of stick out a bit, and that feels nice when you run your fingers over them.'
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Decline in Norse mythology means Thor mostly uses hammer for DIY
Speaking from his home in Asgaard, Thor told reporters that although Mjolner could in theory rend a hole between the realms of heaven and earth, it could also be used to put up shelves.
While constructing a set of drawers and a flat-pack wardrobe for the benefit of photographers, Thor cited the decline of religion as the reason most of the Valkyries have sought careers in telesales. Most of the gods' powers were largely outdated, he said.
'Take my father,' said Thor. 'Odin swapped one of his eyes for infinite wisdom and future sight. Unfortunately this means that he has no depth perception and mostly foresees himself falling down the stairs.'
Thor went on to say that he hoped to spark a national debate about religion and culture in the modern age, before raging Mightily at a piece of dowel that refused to go in.