"...bring a friend to ride shotgun. Make sure he brings a shotgun" more financial advice with Keith
 Less trouble in Little China as Jackie Chan buys gun                  Bush's new plan is idiot-proof
spectacles logo masthead it is real news as it happens
         ISSUE 0002    advertise   submit   subscribe   write to us                  May 2006
Win £100 in theSpectacle's new puzzle competition-cum-national science prize  
Can you define a 'grand theory of everything'?
 Within this 2nd anniversary glossified edition of Spectacle
pity shitty pang pang: how we fell in love with the world's dirtiest panda gritty-city gang-bang: down & out & at
it ditty kitty fang sang: the ditty a kitty called fang sung
In this theSpectacle
Our new  expanded Briefs offers  the  best news coverage in the world  including:

Decline in Norse mythology means Thor mostly uses hammer for DIY

And more top stories
All the best writers including Keith O'Donnell, IFA & introducing our new columnist Graham Bradley:  '...pissing-off potential super-baddies during your transformation will inevitably lead to a super-hero life full of conflict with your nemesis'
PLUS! Your chance to win £100 in our new puzzle competition-cum-
science prize. Can you unify classical and quantum physics? Use our guide to get you started
All this plus additional material by

Mark Till, Cherry Green, Alan Fiend, LJ Williams, Philip Miles and Michael Stewart

Read about them here
Fugitive foreign criminals are 'free-range prisoners', says Reid
John Reid Ya Bastards The Home Secretary John Reid yesterday declared that the missing migrant ex-cons were 'free-range prisoners, trapped in a cell more fiendish than any man can devise.'

Responding to critics who have criticised the Government's handling of deportation cases, Reid said that instead of thinking the missing criminals have escaped deportation, the nation should pity them their current plight.

'They are trapped here in Britain, their freedoms curtailed as long as they remain. They must skulk in the shadows, unbathed in the warm light of officialdom. They can not share the glory of our democracy as long as they remain.'

Reid went on to describe the suffering they face.

'Not for them ID cards. Not for them the handiness of a local library. They shall never glory in our new E-Government web-portal.'

After describing the Home Office as 'shite from top t' bottom,' Reid, who has transformed seven government departments in just seven years, returned to his main theme.

'They are not at liberty as we know it, but free-range prisoners as long as they remain here. However long that is.'
Patrick Cleaver

'Soon Come!' Caribbean take-away to re-open under new management promising slap-dash business as usual

Soon Come!, the popular Tottenham-based Caribbean take-away is to re-open after a change of management and an investment programme totalling nearly several hundreds of pounds. New owner Patrick Cleaver assured customers that although he had made some important changes, including amending the telephone number on the signage from '01' to '0208', the essential character of the take-away would remain the same.
 
'As far as we're concerned, it's slap-dash business as usual,' he said yesterday. 'We're still opening at random, unfathomable times, the menu is largely in my head and we certainly won't be displaying it. Friends and friends of friends will still get double portions for half-price.'
 
The re-opening ceremony, which may or may not include special guest appearances by certain celebrities that Patrick's mate Wilson knows, is scheduled to take place sometime next week, or possibly the week after that.
IN YOUR TODAY'S NEW theSpectacle
\\News Briefs\Toast\ More News Here
Manchester cafe lays down the gauntlet:
Beat our toast!
\\theSpectacle\Books
"By now I was injecting smack directly into my bum, right. All I could think about was horse, and money for horse. I was at rock bottom... it was then that I wrote Flaminals... and Extras" 
Exclusively in your new theSpectacle, read excerpts from Ricky Gervais's frank and harrowing autobiography