| theSpectacle~life | April 2006 |
| \\health &
spirit\ with Mr Mango Pickles, the Boparia's cat  |
\\financial matters\ with Keith O'Donnell, lately of Walthamstow  |
\\house & home\ with Nigel Slater, tensually challenged  |
Dear Mr Mango Pickles, My husband has recently recovered from a bout of testicular cancer. While I was grateful for the efforts of the hospital in saving his life, I am now looking for help from alternative medicine to get him back to full health. Can you recommend something to both help him recover physically and to enhance his spiritual well-being, which has suffered greatly? Name and address supplied. Dear Helen, I must confess that testicular matters do not feature hugely in cat-medicine and that I myself had my plums yanked by the Boparias many moons ago. However, there is much in cat-medicine that could help your husband Keith. Cat-medicine is a mystical blend of alternative therapies, pulled from many sources over the course of millenia, some stretching all the way back to ancient Egypt. Whereas Chinese medicine focuses on the Chi as the centre of a well-spirit, cat-medicine focuses on a nice clean bum. Make sure your husband has a nice clean bum-hole and everything else should start to fall into place. Additionally he could try regular vomiting, but this has limited use outside of stomach disorders and making a point about preferred food. Best just keep his bum-hole spick and span |
Dear Keith, I recently had the good fortune to inherit the sum of £10,000 from an aunt. The money was passed to me in trust some while ago so I have avoided inheritance tax. I am keen to make an investment that will afford me a regular income and would like it to be in a tax-efficient manner. Could you recommend a scheme? I have recently retired and am living on a combination of state and private pension. Judith Montgomery, Derbyshire. Fuck me Judy, ten grand! Talk about good fortune. I wish I had an aunt who'd kick the bucket and leave me ten grand. Right, tax efficient you say? Well no one likes the revenue do they? Recently retired? You'd better be careful: old birds like you are easy pickings for some of the less scrupulous independent financial advisors out there. OK, I'm thinking on my feet here, but how's this for size? A mate of mine is setting up a casino, but he needs at least a mill to guarantee the bets and all that. It's a fucking cash-cow, believe me. He needs people exactly like you who are willing to take a small risk in return for high yields. He reckons the first hundred in the door will be trousering a grand a week come Chrimbo. If you fancy a tax-free return that'll keep you in Weathers till you peg it, let me know and I'll come round your gaff and pick up the loot. |
Dear Nigel, My wife turns fifty in April and I would like to celebrate with a party that she will never forget. Could you suggest a menu that will dazzle her and my food-loving friends? William Breech, North London Dear William, Easter nears, so I simply must have a Ginster's Spicy Chicken Slice. Not any slice will do: it must be purchased from the petrol garage and warmed in a microwave. That 'ping' heralds the arrival of the hot delights within, and I burn my lips biting open the plastic wrapper, which has inflated with hot chicken-steam. Too hot to eat? So much the better to enjoy an ice-cold Lucozade. Now, at last, I have the wrapper off and take a good first bite, letting out the traditional garage-forecourt cry of hoo-whoo-haa as I try to cool the red-hot filling containing no less that 16% chicken product, by breathing in and out as quickly as possible through my mouth. Now returned to the car, I can savour the Slice in it's full-most, surreptiously clicking on the central locking so as not to offend the hooded gentleman who has started to walk towards my vehicle with slightly more purpose than one who is perusing the car-wash price display which is adjacent to my position. My carriage now smells of a rich combination of Chicken, Vegetable Margarine, Potato, Onion, Chargrill Flavouring, Sweetcorn, Cream, Water, Burger Relish, Egg, Modified Maize Starch, Cajun Seasoning, Salt, Garlic Puree, Parsley, and the scent is music to the ears of the nose of Tickles, my cat, who has joined me for the ride. With the Slice polished off, I remove a Topic from my inside pocket...(cont) |
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