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| COLUMNUALISTS | The 30-Second theSpectacle | ||
Graham Bradley did last week what few humans have every done: he got into the suit of a super-human. But to the many superheroes who read his article, a familiar piece of the pie was missing. Creating a nemesis is a real issue, which is why it's vital to have an alter ego. My alter ego lives on a council estate in Derbyshire and, to truly put any passing super villain off the scent, I’ve taken to going around in a wheelchair and wearing a hearing aid (a step up from the “just wear glasses” technique I think). Of course I can’t divulge my alter ego’s name and address, as it could place both me and my loved ones in danger. Plus, the council would stop my benefits. But your nemesis is half the issue. The real concern, and one never portrayed in the movies, is coming out of the transformation process half-baked. The superhero transformation process can strike anywhere, anytime and the results are highly variable. You could simple be experimenting by adding alien genetic material scraped from the side of a passing comet to the cells of a radioactive shark when it turn and bites you on the arse, turning you into Shark-Man (you can read more about this in his excellent autobiography, Shark-Man, Justice With Teeth.) It's well known that Spiderman got his remarkable powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. But what now do we hear of Slothman? Yes he was bitten by a radioactive sloth, but the ability to hang from trees, get comfy in any position, sleep most of the day and generally move really slowly aren’t in demand in the struggle against evil.And what about TrampMan? TrampMan got his powers when he fell asleep on a park bench and awoke to find a tramp asleep on top of him. Panicked, he rushed home for a bath but knocked a gypsy over on the way, who put a curse on him (the exact nature of the curse isn't known as TrampMan is generally too tanked-up to recall it). Now TrampMan could could spot a half-smoked fag in the next parish, but his ability to scare criminals by wafting a fearsome pissy smell about the place made him deeply unpopular with the public. The public only hear about the more successful superheroes like Superman, Spiderman, and the sadly missed Helium-Man (“Up, Up and Up” forever my friend). Spare a thought for the legion of unsung superheroes, the half-baked and near useless. Spare a thought for Rabbitman, who spent five years successfully fighting crime before getting knocked over and killed by a National Express coach, too enchanted by the headlights to move. Spare a thought for Hover Woman, who was forced to stand down from being a superhero when a court ruled that her tendency to move in big uncontrollable circles and generally smash the place up was not a price worth paying to catch a couple of pick-pockets. So next time you see a superhero swing into action, remember all superheroes are not created equal, and for every Silver Surfer, there's a Sewage-Surfer, sitting undeground waiting for a golden opportunity to join the battle against evil
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